Fighting From Freedom

It's definitely been an eventful weekend! There is so much going on already and this month just started. Don't get me wrong, I certainly appreciate any moment I am out of my bed let alone my house! Even in this brutal Texas heat I'm loving my freedom from the flare up monster! I am trying to stay grateful because if I don't, the pit of self pity is a slippery slope. Being able to go to my first Scleroderma walk was amazing! Even still, as much as I try to focus on staying positive especially after the past few weeks of not having enough Bible study or quiet time, I can't shake this weird tightness in my chest. At first I thought it was just the fibrosis but my lung doc gave me the all clear. I even tried blaming it on the triple digit weather. 

On the way to the walk Saturday I pushed myself to get up and go despite the usual aches. My pain pill finally kicked in and I did okay until high noon. I was nauseous the whole time but I tried my best to ignore everything just to keep going. I knew I didn't eat enough but I was just avoiding the inevitable. I was on the verge of syncope but thank God for my quick thinking husband and friends for taking care of me!

I beat myself up so much when things like that happen. I know I should take better care and my curse is that I hate myself for my weakness. I even know that it is a cycle that I keep spinning. I realized fully last night as I tried to let myself drift into sleep. My crazy dream I see now as I am typing, was God's way of revealing it! In my dream I was talking to myself but my other voice was deep and scary. This demonic version of me was mocking me, speaking negativity and cursing me. I remember feeling the tightness of my chest as this demonic me was holding me down trying to steal my breath! Yet the true me, the child of God, the apple of His Eye warrior princess was putting that fraud in her place! I don't remember word for word the exchange of words but I do remember being fearless! I also remember specifically saying the Bible verse of JESUS perfect love casting out my fears. Afterwards I slept soundly until morning. 

It was the usual slow Sunday morning but I was still able to make it to church. I am so glad I did! I kept receiving the same Word again and again. That very same verse was in my JESUS Calling devotional app that I post to Facebook daily. Then it was the worship song that inspired my art worship post to my Instagram. Then Pastor Matt preached about that good intentioned quote that people say about God not you letting go through things that you can't handle being a lie. It is a lie because I have been in that darkest place many times where I have wanted to give up. Time and time again God has  rescued me and kept me through it all. The passage Pastor gave was Ephesians 5:14-21. As I went back over it on my phone Bible app I scrolled up to verse 10. At this very moment I am recalling another important passage from Ephesians which is in chapter 6. All along deep down I always knew I was my own worst enemy but that is a lie too! If I ever dared to hate another one of God's creation as I have hated myself I would definitely be guilty of murder because JESUS said hatred is the same as murder. I understand now completely that this demon that was trying to deceive me with my own identity was not me at all. I told my husband that I wished I was as bold as the warrior me in my dream. He said I am but maybe I needed that dream to show it to me, kind of like a mirror (another verse comes to mind now!). God has given me the authority, strength, power, boldness, courage and everything else I need since I was formed in my momma's belly. So many times have I heard that in a sermon, testimony or from encouragement from a good friend yet I never truly believed it or tried it out in my waking hours. That brave woman in my dreams is the real me and the enemy has done all that he can to keep her in bondage with his lies. The war has been won through Christ's work on the Cross but the battle wages on! I know the enemy is going to keep trying to attack me but now that I have seen first hand my armor, shield and sword in use he will now be the one afraid. I am no longer a slave to fear for I am a child of God!

https://open.spotify.com/track/63SF10lPoWA71bDYYzxfUs?si=iWWA-MNGRYWJxqqA3tQpTQ