A Gardener and His roses

I don't really like sharing what goes on in my marriage but I feel like I should. It is only because my relationship with my husband has been a big part of this journey. We have been through so much together and it wasn't all from this battle with Scleroderma. We have lost a baby, our angel fur baby Shippo and my father in a span of 3-4 years. We have had our fair share of hard times.  Aside from that I must admit that I was a terrible girlfriend. I had a lot of self esteem issues and I struggled with depression. As a result I of course became an alcoholic and I abused drugs to numb the pain in my heart. I always pushed my then boyfriend away because I never thought I deserved him. (See my other blog for more on that saga! http://jmbaezwedding.blogspot.com/p/beginning.html)  All that we have been through certainly made us stronger as a couple. I have and will still say that God has definitely shown me His love through my husband! Yet our struggle with my battle has taken a toll on us both.

After my last big flare up a couple years ago, I have lost sight of the Truth and allowed myself to get swept up in the lies of the enemy yet again. Losing my job, dropping out of college and seeing all of my hopes/dreams crumble before me these past few years has broken me to the point of giving up. I started to lose my faith. I really felt like I was so useless. I was embarrassed and ashamed of all that my husband and also my mother have had to do to keep me going. If only I was content with just being functional. I just couldn't do that because all of my live I striven so hard to make something of myself. To be an asset to society but I always fell short. It was almost like self sabotage. Still I would get back up and keep trying. All along my husband was there being so supportive as much as he could. I never really appreciated him for that until now. To make matters worse the stupid mistakes of my past finally caught up to me and it caused a big wedge between my husband and I.

Scleroderma has robbed me of so much! I cannot do nearly enough to call myself a wife or a woman anymore. All of my lack has put me into a deep depression along with anxiety and I of course took it out on those closest to me. The meds definitely did NOT help either. Steroids turned me into a short-tempered mess! My EX doctor tried putting me on anti-depressants but I hated the way they made me feel. I see them the way I see any other pain med I have been on. You take the pill, it starts to kick in so you don't feel pain for a little while. Then you hustle and try to do all you can while you can before it wears off. Then once it does and you "come down", you feel all the pains and aches you SHOULD HAVE been feeling while you were being functional without the pain. It piles up on you because you forget when to stop or slow down. With Scleroderma it makes a liar out of you and you even forget who you are. You have a good day and feel "normal" than you pay for it. But not just you, those around you pay as well. They have to pick up your slack every time.

The hardest part is choosing what activities to get into because you know the consequences. It's hard not to be selfish, to not have pity parties to just be content with the fact that all your going to do today is hopefully get out of bed and eat a full meal. A meal that if you're really doing well, you have made for yourself. With those choices comes choosing when to leave the house and who to spend time with. Lately for me it has only been my fur babies, my mother and my husband. Scleroderma also robs you of many so called friends. Its understandable though. Everyone has their own lives, their own problems. We also live out in the "somewhat country" so that makes it more difficult for people to stop by. Yet even if they did, I don't even have the energy or the enthusiasm to receive them. So guess what happens when I need companionship, attention and extra affection? I start "expecting" it all from my poor husband. For a while I felt like it got to the point where he couldn't wait to go back to work, he started staying late almost everyday and even spending weekends with friends. It hurt so much but I knew why. I was suffocating him and draining the life force out of him. All of that plus he had a difficult time forgiving and trusting me after all of my past stupidities. There was a point that our marriage was pretty much over!

Then God proved himself faithful as always. He held us both together because we both put our faith and trust back into Him. I forgot to look to my Heavenly Father to meet all of my needs for healing, companionship and even financial stability. I hope that my husband is also seeking Him first as I am trying to. In the morning I am going to his work with him so that later we can go to our first counseling appointment. Sometimes I wish I could just find the right pill to fix my crazy brain and heart but I know that the only fix is JESUS son of God! He is the cure for everything! Sometimes it doesn't happen all at once and right away though. Sometimes its like He is a gardener and we are his rose bush. He is pruning and stripping us of everything that holds us back from who we are truly meant to be. Not only for ourselves but for each other. That reminds me of the first gift my husband gave me when we were dating. A glass rose that reminded him that the beauty he saw in me would never wilt or fade (his words on the Christmas card he made me, so romantical right??). I must believe that to be true because he still loves me after everything I have put him through and after all Scleroderma has done to my body.